$1000 seeking a roommate
Reply to: hous-488537774@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-11-24, 8:58PM PST

Hello,

I am seeking out a roommate. I’ve had several the past 3 months that
did not work out so well and am hoping to find “the perfect housemate.”
I think it can be done!

1. I am a plastic surgeon, single straight male, and am wealthy but
   rather lonely. I could keep this house to myself, and have for about a
   year, but I’ve realised that life is much better when it’s shared with
   people who are conscious (as opposed to my clients and my nursing
   staff!). (This is not to say that my nursing staff is unconscious -
   obviously they are not! It’s just very difficult to become friends with
   a staff that is somewhat dubious of my methods. I’m no rogue, but I do
   have Eastern-influenced techniques that some find odd and/or
   disconcerting – but I do have a 99% success rate! In any case, it
   doesn’t make much sense to mix business and pleasure.)

2. I do have a dog, Basil Ironweed (yes that is his name, people
   seem to be confused that I have given him a full name like a person and
   some kind of laugh, but I assure you I take my dog very seriously and
   treat him with respect, and I ask that you do the same). It would
   actually be ideal if you have a female dog of pure pedigree (I’d need
   to see the papers though, for breeding purposes) and I’d prefer her to
   be a medium-sized dog (I will consider most breeds except absolutely no
   Australian Kelpies and no American Water Spaniels, please! The
   colouring of the mating dogs’ possible kin would be horrendous if this
   were the case! Also, Basil is a Border Collie in case you were
   wondering!) If you do not have a dog, that is also fine. All other pets
   will be considered except: no cats unless they are of the outdoor
   variety, no arthropods, and all avians must be salmonella-free, clipped
   toenails, and tagged.

3. My house has only a one-car garage. It used to be a two-car one,
   but I decided to convert half of it into a micro-personal gym as I am
   rather health conscious. (I do have a gym membership, but my gym is not
   24-hour, and sometimes at night I really need to get on the bowflex to
   burn off some of my energy since I have a lot of it! Also, after meals
   it’s inconvenient for me to run off to the gym, and that is why I need
   one at my disposal. The gym membership is because they have a pool
   there, and swimming is really good for the joints. Just in case you
   were wondering.) That said, you’ll have to use street parking, but I
   assure you that my neighborhood is quiet and safe, and there is usually
   a spot right out in front of my house! (The only time the spot is taken
   is when the lunch truck comes for the construction workers that are on
   the corner of my street. It only sits there for about 20 minutes
   between 1 and 2 pm during the week, depending on how chatty the boys
   are that day.)

Anyways, I have a few rules that need to be followed, but other than
that, we should get along fine!
I request that you listen to all music via headphones. I have mild
tinnitus and the sounds from most Hi-Fi equipment sans headphones
really irriate me. I am open to discussing music, but sadly we cannot
directly share it as my ears can’t handle rapidly changing frequencies.
(If you’d like to share lyrics, I’d be more than delighted to oblige!)

If you are going to cook, please do not use the following spices:
curries, paprika, anything Cajun, and dill. The smells of these things
turns my stomach. (If you have any scents that you’d like to avoid, by
all means let me know and I’ll do you the same honour.)

You must brush your teeth at least twice a day. If there is anything
I cannot stand it’s filthy teeth. (Believe me, I’ve had a couple
roommates who just could not handle this simple routine – your gingiva
may not mind, but I certainly DO.)

If you are going to watch tv, please let me know in advance which
programs you’d like to watch. I do have TiVo, by the by, and I have
certain shows that I simply must watch when they originally air. I
cannot be too flexible with this because I cannot stand to wait to see
my programs. You have to understand that I simply have to watch them
when they originally air or I will get a little batty. Most of my
programs are on public broadcasting and do not tend to run during
prime-time spots.

I do not appreciate unannounced house-guests. I need to know at
least two days in advance that company is coming – I need to know the
duration of the stay, and the nature of the visit. But, I am open to
any and all visitors, I just need to know the specifics involved.

I have reduced rent drastically because I realise that some of my
requests might seem slightly stringent. I will pay the bulk of the rent
in exchange for your understanding, your commitment to the house, and
your humouring of my quirks.

You must be ok with my upholstery hobby. On every third Tuesday of
the month I request that you vacate the house between the hours of 4 pm
- 11:45pm while I upholster various pieces of antique furniture. I am a
perfectionist and require complete silence in the house. I’ve tried
this with housemates who’ve promised to stay in their rooms, but this
proved impossible as bathroom habits demand a regular schedule that
interrupts my artisan work. That said, I will give you a small stipend
on these days if it will assist you in finding something to do with
that block of time.

No newspapers or magazines. The ink gets everywhere and the gloss
irritates my eyes. Sorry! You are free to read them on the front porch,
but they must be stored outside of the house (perhaps in your car?)

This is not to sound discriminating, but, if you speak either
French, Urdu, or Afrikaans, I kindly request that you not speak them in
my vicinity as the cadences used in these languages are grating to the
ears and nerves, for me.

I have fresh produce delivered from an undisclosed location to my
home every Wednesday afternoon. Please do not purchase fruits or
vegetables and bring them home. You can request any that you desire and
I will add them to my order queue. (I am fastidious about potential-GM
produce and pesticide usage – I will not tolerate either!) Also, if you
insist on preparing red meat dishes in the home, do cook the meat
thoroughly. IT MUST SIZZLE.

No cellphone tones in my home! Please use silent mode only!

You are not to use paints in the home. The noxious odours will aggravate my allergies!

That’s the summary of my requests! I do actually have a handbook
which I will provide for your perusal during our interview (yes, there
will be an interview for final-stage candidates) that outlines all of
my more particular requests.

If you are interested, please email me the following information:

1. Name
2. Occupation
3. Age
4. Allergies
5. Favourite author

Cheers!