Philonoist.net

This morning, philonoist.net celebrated it’s 1st anniversary. It then preceded to puke all over itself, take a nap, and play with its new toys. Fun times indeed!

Of course, philonoist.net has lost a few friends this year: after the death of Planet Olin, I don’t think anybody actually reads this damn thing. So, yet again, we’re in a new content craze! As Brian so aptly put it, we’re just a few letters away from being an actual blog.

A few people have asked me if I’m excited about going back to Olin. The short answer: Yes and no. I’m eager to get back to learning, but I’m still afraid I’ll fall into the same fog I was in last year. Plus, I’m growing to like my middle brother, Maxwell, who’s midway through 9th grade. Being from the same house, we’ve naturally encountered the same problems in high school. It’s interesting to see how little (and how much) things have changed.

Oh, and if anyone wants about a gazillion megs of webspace, let me know. My Dreamhost account has oodles more than I can use. Unless I become popular.

There’s a great big world of pages related to Olin out there. Some of them are fun. Some of them are ugly. Some of them are just plain awful (cough BB cough). But I think the absolute saddest page is students.olin.edu. That’s right: the main student index.

Why is this so sad? Because free webspace is a pretty damn sweet luxury, and almost no one uses it. I’m “winning” the most recently updated game with a quick change to my site last weekend for Computer Architecture.

Were there only empty sites, just names waiting to mapped to index pages, that wouldn’t be so rough: that could be one of two things. 1) People don’t know how to make websites or 2) People don’t have time to make websites. But many of the sites have dates in the 2004 and even 2003 range.

I don’t know why, but when I see a website a student made here in 2003, I get a little misty. I flashback to what was important to me, who I hung out with, what I thought was cool. I want to reach out to that kid, because that’s all I was then. I want to reach out, and tell him the things I was once nervous about don’t matter. I want to tell him that life is a state of mind. I also want to tell him to study Maxwell’s Equations more.

I get nostalgic. I want to relive my past, my mistakes. I have few regrets, a few things said I want to take back. I wonder if things would have been different if I had turned left instead of right, said yes instead of no. But I like my mistakes, like how they’ve become part of me, how I’ve learned, how I’ve grown.

I have things left to do in life, questions left unanswered. I still can’t figure out how to ask a girl out on a date. I worry. I worry that I worry.

But I know I’m OK. And that’s all that matters.

Late night. Jazz. Good jazz, the kind with the sweet sounds of a muted trumpet playing in front of a upright piano. The sounds of the setting. Conditioned air falls across my face, up my nose, into my insides, become one with my being. Wipers flick rain off the windshield lazily, the fleeting marriage of drop and glass destroyed by the steady rhythm of the blade, cutting through the darkness. The road winds around the bend. It’s late: too late for such a trip like this. Eyes droop, close, open! Re-focus. Jazz louder, more air blasting into my face. What a difference a day makes.

The road. A sea of oily black. Wet with condensation, perspiration, animation, but not enough to remove the slick mess of a hundred, a thousand, a million million cars before me. My ship rolls with the hills, pitches in time to the steady beat of Thelonious Monk, of John Coltrane. We move to the measured score, my ship and I, marching forth while men in smoky rooms and jazz bars play their songs and women with husky voices sing sadly of lovers past.

Destination. The 24-hour-supermarket, a warehouse of bright light and empty aisles. Anchor the ship, check for muggers, realize that it’s too late for even muggers to be out. Step out. Lock. Purposeful walk. Man with kitty litter leaves store, too embarrassed to look at me. Who buys kitty litter at 1 AM?

Aisle 1. Aisle 2. 3. 4. A-ha! Aisle 5. Remind self that in future, oil is stored in Aisle 5. What kind? Unclear. Vegetable. Canola. Olive. Olive? No. Not olive. And then there were two. Vegetable. Canola. Canola. Vegetable. Flip a coin. Pick a number. If a train leaves Vegetable at 45 miles per hour, and a train leaves Canola….. What is the difference between oil anyways? Blue label. Green label. Does oil go bad? Oil is oil. Vegetable cheaper. Think about purpose of said oil. Two bottles of vegetable.

Checkout. Scan. Beep. Scan. Beep. Five even. Half a sawbuck. A Lincoln. The bill crisp. Immaculate. As I hand over the money, I am too embarrased to look at the cahsier. Who buys vegetable oil at 1:05 AM?

Purposeful walk. Life now rewinding. Be kind, please rewind. Every action has an equal and opposite. Unlock. Step in. Raise the anchor, Mister Coltrane! We lurch forward, picking up steam on our return voyage, back from the briny depths from which we came. We are alone on the dark roads in the vast nothingness of Suburbia. As the night claims us, my ship and I, we embrace Her, engirth Her, and we are Hers.

Over the next 36 hours, I think a grand total of zero of them are not scheduled (though I did pansy out and schedule a few hours of sleep tonight, but I think I got a meeting request during that time…)

In short, I am so busy, taking the time to write down that I am busy will probably set me back and make me late for the rest of the day.

Here’s what’s up:

Comparch Exam SERV Live Auction TechVentures Discrete Math Meeting ECE Advising NU Hockey Game Cabot’s SLEEEEEEEEP BU Trivia Tournament…… and on.

I’m not really complaining. I’m looking forward to everything on that list (even the CA midterm I’m taking in 30 minutes…). And this is the last full weekend before Thanksgiving, which is also nice. Hard to believe I’ll be on a plane home in 8 days. I haven’t celebrated a “traditional” Thanksgiving in a while (we’ve always gone out to Vegas to hang out with my uncle during Thanksgiving week, which is fun, but will be moreso post-21st birthday).

I need to write more, about my life and creatively. I’m thinking about taking a course at Wellesley in the spring in Short Narrative to fill in that last pesky AHS class.

And, finally, props to the “new” Shihblog.

While I was finishing the Big Conversations video (which went off without a hitch, even though I’m still covered in rice powder) my computer died. Thus, the long, laborious process to restoring my life begins. Nothing feels the same: I can’t find my favorite extensions for firefox, I have to reinstall everything, etc. etc. Sigh. Something about the phoenix rising from the ashes should go here.

I’m so thrilled BC day went off well. It’s a truly different experience being on the other side of the curtain, so to speak. Thanks to everyone who has commented on the video. I’m glad people had as much fun watching it as I did making it. (By the way, the old guy in the commercial is Matt Donahoe’s dad. Next time you see him, remind him about it.).

My afternoon session, “Let the Music Play”, was also good fun. If you don’t know, we picked the “best” 21 songs from the last four/five years (since Partner year.)…. It was ridiculous paring down from the 63 we picked.

The final list:

Lose Yourself – Eminem Such Great Heights – Postal Service Hey Ya! – Outkast Clocks – Coldplay Boulevard Of Broken Dreams – Green Day Bring Me to Life – Evanesence Don’t Know Why – Norah Jones Jesus, Etc. – Wilco Take Me Out – Franz Ferdinand Dragostea din tei – O-Zone (Yes, that one.) Toxic – Britney Spears Island in the Sun – Weezer Fell in Love With a Girl – White Stripes Vertigo – U2 Yeah! (feat. Lil Jon & Ludacris) – Usher Numb – Linkin Park Let’s Get It Started – Black Eyed Peas Courtesy Of The Red White & Blue (The Angry American) – Toby Keith This Love – Maroon 5 Wish You Were Here – Incubus Let Go – Frou Frou

I’m proud of the list. I think we got a pretty good mix of songs that were important to the Olin community, songs that were important to the time (Courtesy of the Red White & Blue). Feel free to rip the list apart.

Time to get some sleep.

Long time, no post. Been busy. ‘Nuff said.

Here, let me do my 2.0 things for everyone:

1.0) I don’t feel comfortable sharing 20 random things about me. It’s not about time, or worrying that I don’t have interesting things to say. I don’t feel comfortable because I don’t want anything I say to come back later and because I would much rather you ask me about my life than me just tell you something.

2.0) I worry that my attitude above makes me sound haughty, callous, and cold.

What else? Hmm… Family was here this weekend, and now I feel like I barely got a chance to see them, even though I made myself a little crazy by spending every minute I could with them. Part of it is I didn’t really get a chance to have a real talk with them. Thanksgiving will be better. I can’t wait to go home.

Everything is good now. Everything is fantastic, even.

Long Columbus Day weekend coming up. Here’s what I need to do:

Edit: It’s Monday 12:18. Here’s what I still need to do before tomorrow/this week. * Finish My Resume * E-mail Resume to IBM * Discrete Math Test (oh crap… just remembered this one) * Comp Arch Lab * Comp Arch HW

And the stuff I did or didn’t feel like doing: * Mail Tax Return (Friday 10:50 AM – DONE!) * Wash my Car Forget this. It’s going to rain until 2009. * Get a Haircut * Dry Cleaning (isn’t this always on a to-do list? It’s like having a baguette in a grocery bag. It’s always there. I’ve never in my life eaten a baguette. Apparently, I am alone in this.) * Playing Basketball * Going out for dinner and a concert (it’s a cappella over at BC, Liz, if you’re still wondering.) * Playing Football Nix nixed this. (Ok. That’s the only time I’ll ever use that joke.) * Cheering on my NFL team * Cheering on my NCAA team * Cheering on my NHL team * Cheering on my National Lacrosse League Team (well, maybe not….) * Shopping? (Maybe next weekend) * Something Else I did do something else. It was a fantastic something else.

In other words, this weekend is going to be long.

Edit: In other other words, I procrastinated all of the stuff that really needed to be done until Monday. Kudos!

Lately, I’ve just been in a good mood. I don’t really want to think about it: I’m enjoying it hugely, and I don’t want it to end. I have positive thoughts, I catch myself smiling, I dance when people aren’t looking (and sometimes when they are). I think it’s the people I’ve connected (and re-connected) with in the past week. It’s something I didn’t realize until now: It’s good to have friends that don’t go to Olin.

I’m sure sometimes it seems like I don’t post happy stuff on here: I’ve commented before on how much easier it is to vent on a blog than it is to post when you’re in a good mood.

I hope this feeling lasts.

I’m more or less disgusted with myself in the past week. I kept (or keep, as the case may be) putting off writing something for an essay contest I’d like to enter. The deadline is tomorrow, Friday. I’ve got an idea, but I don’t think I have time to write it. And I’m really annoyed about it. What I really need is a shift in the way I do things. I don’t get a chance to write much anymore (if at all) because it requires so much energy to start and an equal amount of energy to maintain. I know, it’s a cop-out to say that. Frustrated is the word that comes to mind first.

As much as I’d love to get away from my daily life and read and write, I just can’t do that. Writing is the escape for me, not what I’m trying to get to. Unless there’s a major change in my lifestyle (read: no more bills), I don’t see myself becoming a professional writer. Then again, I don’t really know what I see myself doing, so who knows?

Tangentially… I wonder if seeking balance is such a good thing, creatively speaking. It may be good for your chi, but there’s nothing in the center. I try to balance between happy and sad, solitude and company, work and play. When I move to far in one direction, I snap back towards the center. If I am too lonely, I seek company. If I’m too melancholy, I seek mirth. But having balance leads invariably to boredom. (Warning: Engineer speak follows.) If all we do is follow a sine wave, going from bliss to sorrow, from productivity to laziness, we develop habits. Eventually we lose steam; eventually, our sine waves dampen to a flat line.

There is comfort in the center of life, to be sure, in that warm feeling of routine, of normalcy. But life is more than that center, that sweet spot, that creamy nougat filling. It’s breaking things, taking risks, adding a kick every now and then to that sine wave that defines life. Flaubert’s maxim was “Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.” I used to agree with that, but now I’m not sure. I believe more that your experiences should define your work, that some semblance of the human spirit, as you see it in your daily life, should make its way into your passages. Harness the creativity around you and channel it when you write. Put down all you see, both good and bad. Don’t aspire to be merely regular and orderly in your life. Be extraordinary, and original, and your work will follow.

But what do I know? I’m just a frustrated writer who can’t make a deadline.

“There are a lot of women I’m interested in learning more about here [at Olin], but I don’t think there’s many I’d like to date, at least right now.”

I was talking to someone the other night, and I just threw that thought out there. As soon as I said that, I realized how much sense it made. That, and a couple of other things that happened this week, really made things fall into place. I’ve gotten upset a lot of times about not being in a relationship, but it’s not that bad. I think about it a lot in part because a lot of my friends are in relationships.

Would I like a relationship? Definitely. Am I going to force it? No. Am I going to worry about it? Not anymore.