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I’m more or less disgusted with myself in the past week. I kept (or keep, as the case may be) putting off writing something for an essay contest I’d like to enter. The deadline is tomorrow, Friday. I’ve got an idea, but I don’t think I have time to write it. And I’m really annoyed about it. What I really need is a shift in the way I do things. I don’t get a chance to write much anymore (if at all) because it requires so much energy to start and an equal amount of energy to maintain. I know, it’s a cop-out to say that. Frustrated is the word that comes to mind first.

As much as I’d love to get away from my daily life and read and write, I just can’t do that. Writing is the escape for me, not what I’m trying to get to. Unless there’s a major change in my lifestyle (read: no more bills), I don’t see myself becoming a professional writer. Then again, I don’t really know what I see myself doing, so who knows?

Tangentially… I wonder if seeking balance is such a good thing, creatively speaking. It may be good for your chi, but there’s nothing in the center. I try to balance between happy and sad, solitude and company, work and play. When I move to far in one direction, I snap back towards the center. If I am too lonely, I seek company. If I’m too melancholy, I seek mirth. But having balance leads invariably to boredom. (Warning: Engineer speak follows.) If all we do is follow a sine wave, going from bliss to sorrow, from productivity to laziness, we develop habits. Eventually we lose steam; eventually, our sine waves dampen to a flat line.

There is comfort in the center of life, to be sure, in that warm feeling of routine, of normalcy. But life is more than that center, that sweet spot, that creamy nougat filling. It’s breaking things, taking risks, adding a kick every now and then to that sine wave that defines life. Flaubert’s maxim was “Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.” I used to agree with that, but now I’m not sure. I believe more that your experiences should define your work, that some semblance of the human spirit, as you see it in your daily life, should make its way into your passages. Harness the creativity around you and channel it when you write. Put down all you see, both good and bad. Don’t aspire to be merely regular and orderly in your life. Be extraordinary, and original, and your work will follow.

But what do I know? I’m just a frustrated writer who can’t make a deadline.

Filed by Adam College at 1:08 am under Life
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I had a few hours to kill (i.e. I wanted to put off my Comp Arch homework as long as possible) so I downloaded Opera (now free) and Konfabulator (also free). Of the two, I know that I’ll end up using Konfabulator way more than I’ll use Opera. Personally, I think it’s extremely tough to move from one browser to another, especially when you’ve spent who-knows-how-many hours tweaking it like I’ve done with Firefox. I love my setup, and the few little gripes I have are so minor, it’s not worth spending more time tweaking a new browser. I’ll download the new IE when it comes out, because there are still sites out there that insist on IE-only surfing, but I don’t think I’ll get to know Opera at all.

Konfabulator, on the other hand, is worthy of the hit in performance it takes up. One, it’s suuuper pretty. I love how everything just fades in and out, has custom colors, etc. And some of the stuff is useful. The basic calendar alone is worth the free price. Getting information without opening a web browser is really nice. And, like my favorite part of Firefox, if you need something extra, download it and run it. That’s it. No messy add-on packages. Good stuff.

Filed by Adam College at 12:26 pm under Web
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I got asked to take a survey (did everyone?) on the new careers site here at Olin. I’m extremely impressed, it’s a nice-looking site with lots of content - a rarity in these parts (*cough* projects.olin.edu *cough*) Props to Sean and the PGP staff for the hotness. I know I’ll be using it in the coming months.

Filed by Adam College at 12:45 pm under Olin
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“There are a lot of women I’m interested in learning more about here [at Olin], but I don’t think there’s many I’d like to date, at least right now.”

I was talking to someone the other night, and I just threw that thought out there. As soon as I said that, I realized how much sense it made. That, and a couple of other things that happened this week, really made things fall into place. I’ve gotten upset a lot of times about not being in a relationship, but it’s not that bad. I think about it a lot in part because a lot of my friends are in relationships.

Would I like a relationship? Definitely. Am I going to force it? No. Am I going to worry about it? Not anymore.

Filed by Adam College at 2:46 pm under Life
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Day 1: “This is pretty cool. I don’t think I’ll spend a lot of time on here, but, it’s nice to finally have it.”

Day 2: “Hey! I can make a profile with all sorts of interests. Hmm… I’ll just add a few. Ok. Make that a lot of things. After all, I’m multi-interested, right? So, I’ll just add everything I’ve ever been interested in ever.”

Day 3: “Neat! I found all the people I went to high school with. I haven’t really talked to them in a while, but that’s OK. I’ll just add the three or so that would really remember me. It’s not the number of friends, it’s how friendly you are with them, right?”

Day 6: “I look at other people’s profiles, and they have so many friends! I’ll just add a couple more so I don’t look desperate. But that’s it.”

Day 6, 10 minutes later: “Click! Add to friends! Click! Add to friends! Whee! So much fun! Click! Add to friends!”

Day 6, 20 minutes later: “Click! Add to friends! Click! Hmm.. I don’t really remember her. But she goes to an under-represented school. I need more people from Texas! Add to friends!”

I’ll be honest: I’m still doubtful I can reconnect with people from high school. But we’ll see.

Filed by Adam College at 11:28 pm under Olin
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I’ve been meaning to write a post on the fall movie season for some time now, to the point that all I’ve written so far on it is now outdated. Eventually (read: never) I’ll post that, but for now, here’s a list of the independent films out that I’d like to see.

2046
The Beat that my Heart Skipped
Grizzly Man
Junebug
Me And You and Everyone We Know
The Memory of A Killer
Murderball

And more mainstream:
Broken Flowers
The Constant Gardener

Why do I want to see these films so bad? Because they’re not the schlock that gets thrown into theaters every week (*cough* The Man *cough*).

I think Rob made a good point about things in general the other day. When talking about getting his new bike, he said “Once you get something newer and better it’s impossible to go back to the older, worse thing. You think you can, but you really can’t.” It might seem somewhat obvious, but it’s really true. Of course, the classic example is the computer. Once you get the new super-computer, you can’t just go back to the old computer. It’s not any slower than when you left it, of course, but if you need something, the thing freakin’ crawls through the bootup process. You feel so unproductive in that moment.

I’m not sure this is human nature, the thought process of an engineer at work, or the alarming commercialization of America. One could, I think, argue for each. Is it our genetic code telling us to do things better and faster? Is it the new car principle, where just the smell of a freshly minted auto can send us into a euphoric bliss, applied to everything? Is it the innundated world we live in, adverts screaming by cramming their message into every open orifice that makes us demand better conditions?

The most beautiful thing, someone once said, is a free upgrade. The glimpse into the way the rich pamper themselves with reclining sofas on planes, five star food, back massages, hand massages, foot massages, God-knows-where-else massages. But once exposed to the opulence of the upper class for a brief flicker, we’re left wanting. We become sick with our four star food. We want that little bit more.

Of course, I fall victim to this as well. When I see a movie that doesn’t force-feed me product placements, sticky-sweet messages of hope, the triumph of good over evil, or an action fest extravaganza, I’m thrilled. I can’t wait for the next.

Do I see movies that aren’t thought-provoking? For sure. And not every film can get categorized into “piece of crap” or “Academy Award Winner” (my hard-core film friends would say those are the same.) There are films that do what they want very well, and I love them for it.

But when I get a glimpse into a world filled with purer thought, where a little bit of insight into life, into reality, into passion, into reason, I’m left wanting when I go back to my Zoolander and my Titanic and my Lord of the Rings.

I’m left thirsting for more.

Filed by Adam College at 12:59 pm under Movies
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Sometimes, I hate my own words. Hate the way they sound, the way they feel when I press them back into me. It’s not just the poison barbs I am so fond of throwing; it is every trite comment, every sarcastic backhand, every soul-bearing sensitive expose. I will not lie: in time, I will probably come to hate these very words, and the cycle will continue. These words, every word of mine, lost in a canyon of idiocy.

I know my problems, know their edges and definitions as though they were my eyes in the mirror. I use humor as an escape from unpleasantness. I dodge questions. I’m never serious. I’m too serious. I don’t ask enough questions. I talk too much. I don’t talk enough. I interject too often. I never have anything meaningful to say. Nobody confides in me.

His fortress, his Xanadu, his stronghold completed, the prince ponders his life. Nobody can get in - at the prince’s request, the engineers have seen to that. The moat lies filled with crocodiles, the walls lined with poisoned vines. It is an impregnable castle, a stony face to the world. But deep within, the prince sits alone, lost, afraid. For not only can anyone get in, he can never get out….

This is my SOS. Save me from the prison I have built. Ask me questions. Don’t let me dodge them. Don’t let me make fun of them. Don’t let me ramble on. Look me in the eyes. Make me look at you back. For 20 years, I have been blinded by arrogance. Open my eyes for me. Make me uncomfortable. Knock me down - physically, if need be. Drive into me that I am not better than you. I need to be reminded, however painfully, of that.

Filed by Adam College at 12:02 am under Life
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Some other things I’ve noticed since I’ve been back:

I keep running into the same dozen or so first-years. I’m making a real effort to keep saying that instead of freshmen, but I slip sometimes. Personally, I don’t think it’s as big of a deal as some people make it out to be. Maybe it’s ’cause I’m a guy. Maybe it’s cause “first years” sounds like Harry Potter. Whatever. Point is, there are, what, over 70 of them? Where are they all? I went over to West Hall night before last, and there were only a handful of people in the lounge. I feel a little awkward just walking into a first year’s room, but I would like to meet 25% of the school’s population.

The number of quirks Olin went up astronomically with the opening of East Hall. I understand, it’s a work in progress, etc. But the wacky door on the West Wing is still tricking me. And the motion-detector lights - I feel like I’m breaking out of Alcatraz everytime I walk down the hall. By the way, we need a better system of saying things like East Hall West Wing. It’s getting confusing. In the future, when corporations run everything, Oliners will say “I live in Starbucks Hall, Amazon.com Wing” It’s inevitable.

The dining hall is now constantly crowded for lunch and dinner. Damn.

East Hall isn’t as close to the rest of campus as I originally thought. I know, I know, it’s no where near as far as the mods, but still, it looked so close. Even if you lived in East Wing of West Hall (see, it’s confusing, dammit!) you could walk in the West Wing door. Now, it’s all the way down the path. Far away. In the mud. I hate mud.

Already, I feel like the social dynamic has changed. It could just be me, but I don’t see or hear in East Hall on my way back to my room. Granted, my room is 25 feet away from the door on the first floor in the corner with a sign that says “Beware of the Leopard”, but still: no one’s in the lounge. No one’s coming over to hang out.

Maybe (this isn’t a plea, or a feeling sorry for myself moment) it’s just I don’t have as many friends as I thought. Maybe it’s just that the people I thought were my friends were the ones I lived near, saw constantly, and mistook that level of familiarity for friendship. I guess I saw the writing on the wall last year: I knew it was bad news bears when I couldn’t find a suite that made sense. And while I love my giant corner room, I’d trade it for being closer to cool happenings. (That’s not a real offer, so don’t ask.)

Still, all in all? It’s great to be back. Seeing everyone makes me so happy. And happy is good.

Filed by Adam College at 10:55 am under Olin
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